Who am I to deserve all these?

“How can I fear when Jesus is near? He ever watches over me! Worries all cease. He gives me peace. How can I fear with Jesus?”

I will always marvel at the fact that God can and is willing to use someone like me by looking back at my life.

About four years ago, I was a sophomore who was far away from home (26 hours by train plus 3 hours by bus).However, being away from home that far did not bother me more than staying close to my family. Feeling hopeless and helpless had always been in my heart no matter how close I waas to my family. Maybe knowing some background of my family will help you understand what I mean.

My family lives in a small village and both of my parents are farmers. My father is an ambitious man who does not have much self-discipline. Being discontent with being a farmer, he tried to do much business but failed with no exception. And what was left behind was endless loans.

One of the reason that he failed his business was because he is addicted to gambling. He loves gambling so much that he would even take his capital to gamble! And the funny thing is that he never won!

My mother is a woman of strong character, hard-working, thrifty and pessimistic. My parents have been fighting and quarreling over issues like my father’s gambling habit and his inability, and my mother’s sexual involvement with another guy ever since I can remember. They left my hometown to work at a brickyard in a big city.

So I stayed with my grandparents since the last year of my elementary school until I graduated from senior high school. I was actually happy to be far away from home for a lot of reasons but not for long. The helplessness and hopelessness never went away but only got worse. There were so much fears and worries and dissatisfaction with life and myself in my heart. Thinking about future was like the doom of my life. So I tried all the means possible to change myself but without success.

Then I had L, a Christian teacher who taught me in my College. She was beautiful and kind and a very nice personality. She and her husband seemed to be a perfect couple living happily together. She was all that I can dream of and even beyond that! And she paid attention to me——a girl who was as plain as one could imagine; a girl who was shy and introverted and who would feel nervous to death to speak English. But she did pay attention to me and make me think that I was special. Maybe she did not do it on purpose but I knew that there was something special about her.

Then after a lot of “coincidences”, I got to know another Christian teacher in my school. And she invited me to have lunch with her! That thrilled me because again: who am I to deserve all these?

So when she invited me to study the Bible together with her, I accepted with no hesitation. Of course I wanted to know something about this Book myself. And that was how I got to hear about my dear Lord Jesus and what He did for me. I was deeply touched by His love and He convicted me that I am a sinner by recalling my ungratefulness toward my parents, my cheating at school, stealing in childhood, lies that I told… but still I had a big question mark toward the idea that God created the world. It totally contradicted what I had been taught.

Then, Elder C gave me a book named “Science and Christian faith” which helped me a lot by making me see the falseness of what I learnt. I was then completely convinced by His grace. And I will never in my life forget the peace and joy He gave me the moment I prayed and made my decision to trust Him.

I still did not know what is waiting for me in future. But the fears and worries was all gone. My future was no doomed with darkness no more. I know that it is going to be wonderful because it is in an Almighty Loving Hand.

* this is a testimony by SL, a full-time servant of God in China.